Such A Selfish World We Live In
by LokiTheDarkWorld
Summary: "As Kirk crouches down with shaking legs, he raises his tear-filled gaze to meet the exhausted and pain-filled one of his First Officer." In which Kirk wasn't the one to go into the radioactive chamber to save the ship. Pre-slash Spock/Kirk, potential Star Trek: Into Darkness spoilers


**Summary: _"As Kirk crouches down with shaking legs, he raises his tear-filled gaze to meet the exhausted and pain-filled one of his First Officer." In which Kirk wasn't the one to go into the radioactive chamber to save the ship. Pre-slash Spock/Kirk, potential Star Trek: Into Darkness spoilers_**

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_So basically I saw Star Trek: Into Darkness, and found myself absolutely **in love** with it, and promptly launched myself into the fandom. But since I really didn't know much about Star Trek, I started doing some research, and read about Wrath of Khan. I then discovered that in that film, it was Spock who died in the radioactive chamber, not Kirk like in Into Darkness. So…this fic proceeded to happen ;) But please know that while I do take parts of the conversation from Into Darkness and adjustment them to fit here, where Kirk and Spock's characters are reversed, there are also some of my own additions, ones that you will not see in the movie. Also, I haven't seen Wrath of Khan or Spock's death scene in that film, so this is basically taken from Into Darkness and my own twisted mind: I am not rewriting the scene from Wrath of Khan. Just so that is clear. :)_

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When he heard Scotty's strangled, aghast voice, telling him to _get down here right now_, Jim runs.

Nobody really notices his exit; they are all too wrapped up in awe, in the fact that they should be dead, but here they all are. All breathing, all feeling, all there and irrevocably, undeniably _**alive**_.

But something is still wrong, and Jim knows it.

He runs as if his life depends on it, his heart accelerating until it feels like it may burst out of his chest, his already aching muscles burning, and his blood running coolly and sluggishly in his veins. His thoughts were racing a mile a minute.

_My crew my ship they're safe how did this happen where are the others how many are dead how much damage where is everyone where is Spo-_

Jim finally reaches the sector where the main power grid is located. His breathing is harsh as he races up to his Chief Engineer, eyes searching the room and mouth opening to ask what was wrong, until Jim finally sees him.

It was as if time stopped. Jim's mouth parted even further, this time in a silent scream. He felt as if he'd been ripped from reality and placed into an inescapable nightmare because _god this can't be happening-_

"Open the door." When Jim finally managed to speak, his voice is surprisingly even, but even he, in his shock-induced state, registers how threatening it sounds.

Scotty doesn't reply at first, just stares at Jim with a sickening mix of sorrow and resignation.

With an inhuman snarl, Jim grabs his friend's collar and yanks him forward until their faces are almost touching. His feels like his entire body is on fire as he all but screams "_OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!_!"

He no longer sounds that angry; he just sounds desperate.

Scotty shakes his head, pursing his lips together and looking at Jim with an expression that just spells out _I'm sorry_ as he says, "I can't Captain; it hasn't fully decontaminated yet. One waft, and it will poison not only us, but the entire bay."

Jim's grip loosens, eyes fixed on Scotty with a look of disbelief and horror and a million other emotions as _no no no no no no no_ ran through his head on repeat. Eventually, he forces himself to move, walking past the engineer with shaking legs and over to where Spock was slumped against the wall of the chamber, unable to move and looking like fucking _hell_. Sweat ran down his unnervingly pale face and drenched his ink black hair, and his breathing was hard and unstable and coming out in pants. Pain, no, _agony_ has caused his sharp features to twist even further, and Spock's deep, dark eyes, normally so calm, so in control, were shining with utter exhaustion and misery, and even when he saw Jim approaching, the look remained.

_Radiation poisoning. _Jim's mind taunted him mercilessly_. And there's nothing you can do to stop it now. _

Swallowing down what may have been a scream, a gasp, a moan, or a mix of the three, Jim kneeled down in front of glass wall with trembling legs, crouching until he was at Spock's level. They were now so close, so _precariously_ close, and their eyes met desperately.

"Captain, the ship…" Spock's voice, weak and raspy, filled Jim's ears, causing him to feel as though he were suffocating.

"Out of danger, Spock. She's gonna be alright." He eventually managed to speak, but his voice was barely audible, hands clenching and nails digging into his skin until drops of crimson splattered onto the floor.

(Because they both knew how this was going to end.)

Spock's eyes closed briefly in relief, the tightening around his mouth loosening ever so slightly, before he opened them again.

"Recently," Spock's voice was unwavering even as he all but forced the words out," I have been taking into consideration…why you went back for me…when I was in the volcano."

Jim pursed his lips, his entire body shaking as he tried to force back the bile that was threatening to crawl out of his throat.

"It's because…" Spock was fading, but his eyes were bright as he stared steadily into Jim's. "You are my friend."

Jim couldn't hold back the tears at this, and they started to race down his cheeks, hot and heavy and cutting through the blood and grime that coated them. Suppressed sobs closed his throat, making breathing a more difficult task than ever, but he managed to reply after a few seconds. "And I always will be."

Spock's lips turned slightly up at this, in that rare half-smile that only Jim could ever coax out of him. Jim had always felt so proud, so utterly accomplished when he managed to bring out that side of the half-Vulcan; that happy, lighter, genuine side that had Jim entranced whenever he saw it.

But now, it only made him cry more.

But Spock's smile soon faded, eyes flashing with pain and mouth contorting at the sensation. "I still do not like this feeling, Captain." The whisper, the confession, was small, afraid, and Jim knew instantly what feeling Spock was talking about: the terror, the loneliness, the gut-wrenching, all-consuming knowledge that you are going to die.

Jim's stomach contracted, panic and horror and devastation crashing over him because Spock wasn't the only one being forced to face the fact that the half-Vulcan wasn't going to get out of this alive. Jim wanted to scream at the top of his lungs, shout obscurities at the universe, smash through the glass and succumb to death so that Spock, _his_ Spock, would never have to be alone.

_I don't like this feeling either._

Instead Jim had to settle for choking out an "I know."

(A vague part of Jim thinks he hears Lieutenant Uhara, _Nyota_, scream behind him, and Scotty trying to calm her down and hold her back, but both he and Spock are so wrapped up in each other he doesn't think either of them really register her, as cold as it is.)

Spock tilted his head up to look up more closely at Jim, as if searching for something. "You have asked me before…how not to feel..." Spock's feeble, unsteady voice broke off into an agonizing, pitiful cough, before he finished with an exhausted, "I still do not know."

Jim let out a deep sob, the sound ripping uncontrollably through him.

_It isn't fair!_ His mind, his very being, screamed. _YOU CAN'T JUST TAKE HIM AWAY FROM ME!_

But Spock, who looked so lost, whose eyes were shining with tears he could no longer suppress, who looked almost _sorry_ for causing Jim such pain, deserved more of a goodbye than Jim having a meltdown. Even though all Jim, ever so selfish, wanted to do was to yell and tell Spock that he couldn't just die, he couldn't just _leave_, that…that…

_The ship needs you._

_The crew needs you._

_**I need you.**_

But instead, Jim forced down his mind-numbing grief and said, softly, "It's okay to be scared, Spock."

The other man did not reply, his breathing becoming more and more uneven by the second. Jim, in a moment of utter, blinding panic, pressed his forehead against the cool glass (BREAK IT BREAK IT BREAK IT) and looked straight into Spock's eyes as he spoke clearly. "I'm here though. I am _right_ here. You aren't alone, you are _never_ alone." His throat was closing up again but he still managed to add in a shaky whisper, "I will **always** be right there with you."

Spock gave him that slight half-smile again, and even though it was almost obscured by the pain that clouded his eyes, Jim saw a spark flicker in his best friend's eyes.

Even though the action visibly caused him tremendous effort and pain, Spock slowly raised his hand to meet the glass, fingers parted in the Vulcan symbol. _Live long and prosper_, he was saying to Jim, through his hand, through the look in his eyes. _Goodbye. _

Without hesitation, Jim raised his hand to meet Spock's, fingers pressing hard onto the glass wall, and with only the thin and clear object between them, Jim can almost feel their hands touching, skin brushing, warm and smooth and soft and _alive_. In his haze in which Spock is the only thing that he can see and think about, he manages to part his fingers until they matched Spock's as well. _Goodbye_.

Spock's eyes flickered to their hands, then back to Jim, before they closed. He let out a shaky sigh, a shudder running through his body, and then he did not move again. His hand fell with a deafening clap onto the floor, limp, unmoving.

Spock, his best friend, his First Officer, his other half, his lifeline, was dead.

Jim's hand soon followed Spock's, siding down the glass until it hit the floor and stayed there. Dizziness overcame him, breathing becoming louder and choked and laboured. He screwed his eyes shut, so tight it _hurt_.

Suddenly,_ Khan's_ eyes, his cool, icy, crystal blue eyes flashed through Jim's mind. Taunting, laughing at him, because in the end he was **right**.

"_You can't even guarantee the safety of your own crew." _

People, his crew, falling from the Enterprise, screaming as they fell to their impending deaths.

Scotty's horrified, "Jim…"

Uhara's terrified, barely composed face, her half-choked down sob when they lost contact with Spock while he was in the volcano.

Bones with his hand caught in the torpedo, pretending not to be scared and begging him to teleport Dr. Marcus back even though _five four three two one…_

The look on the face of Carol Marcus when her father's head was crushed in front of her as easily as a balloon being popped, and the blood-curdling scream that followed.

Sulu and Chekov and everyone on the bridge when the Admiral told them he was never going to let them live, no matter what anyone did.

_Death death death death-_

And finally, Captain James T. Kirk came undone.

"KKKKKKKKHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNN NNN-"

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I am considering making this a full-out story, or a drabble series, centering around what would happen if Kirk and Spock's roles were reversed like this in Into Darkness; what would happen in the rest of the movie and how it would change, character reactions, stuff like that. So please do drop a review and tell me what you think, and if you would like more. :) Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed! :)


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